‘Write a brief statement on why you want to be an Arts Advocate for people with disabilities’, Course Application Form
My guide dog Stacey loves going to the Art Gallery. Every time we pass it on our way to university, she strains on her harness, dragging me towards the doors. So, naturally, once Political Studies is over, we have to drop in. She particularly likes looking at hunting scenes. Another favourite is portraits of kings and queens. We stand there for ages. One day I asked her, ‘Why do you like looking at old-fashioned portraits so much?’
‘You don’t understand anything, do you?’ she said.
I conceded that this was true. So could she please elaborate?
‘They aren’t paintings of kings and queens.’
Stacey does sometimes like tricking me, turning up the wrong driveway just for fun, for instance, so I was suspicious. For a long time I didn’t know what she meant. Then one day we were standing in front of one of these portraits when a small child exclaimed, ‘Puppy!’
Naturally I thought he was pointing to Stacey, and so I said, ‘Yes, this is my guide dog, Stacey. She’s a Standard Poodle. Normally they use…’
‘No,’ he said, ‘in the picture!’
When the child had gone, I checked with Stacey.
‘Of course it’s a portrait of a puppy. There’s a blurry queen in the background, but all the detail is in the main subject: the expression in her eyes, the way she’s holding her tail, the sheen of light on her front paw…’
We moved on to the next portrait, which was of a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
Stacey also greatly appreciates avant-garde movies and insisted we go to the French Film Festival. I said, ‘But Stacey, it’s all in sub-titles! I didn’t think you could read.’
She said, ‘I’m French!’
I had this sneaking suspicion that poodles actually originated from Germany, but it seemed inappropriate to bring this up. I didn’t want to embarrass myself so said nothing.
At the Film Festival, the lady next to me said, ‘Oh, so you speak French?’
I said, ‘No, my guide dog Stacey does.’
The woman laughed, touched my arm and said she was sorry. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but then the film started, so we had to be quiet.
Afterwards Stacey wouldn’t respond to ‘left’ or ‘right’ unless I said à gauche or à droit. It went on for days. I had to learn assis and reste, too.
I’m personally not interested in acting, being a behind-the-scenes kind of person, but my guide dog is. She did a very good impersonation of Helen Clark, so we enrolled in a drama class. I was going to enrol us in beginners, but Stacey shook her head. I thought maybe intermediate, but she said, ‘No. Advanced.’
I told Stacey I hadn’t done anything like this before, and she ran off and had a piss. When she came back she said in a voice exactly like John Key’s, ‘Don’t worry, just leave it to me.’
In drama class, Stacey was a big hit. Everyone said we should try and make it big, go professional. I took Stacey to an audition for Lassie. I thought she did very well, but afterwards the producer said she didn’t really look the part. I was annoyed. I’ve always been told Stacey is very attractive. He said ‘Yes, yes, but a Standard Poodle just isn’t the right image for the show.’
Stacey and I left. She was upset. We looked for other auditions, but there just weren’t many parts going for dogs. I tried to console her. ‘At least you still have your day job.’
But, Stacey has never been able to take guiding me seriously. For her it’s more of a hobby. Her passion is for the arts.